Welcome back, déjà vu. May '05
I am not sure when the US17 bypass got passed by in Myrtle Beach, but it was a long time before I got here. Now it is just a crowded navigational nightmare. In the summertime it is filled with tourists who drive hesitantly because they aren't sure where they need to turn and locals who are impatiently weaving through the tourists, changing lanes frequently without notice. For several months after I moved to Myrtle Beach I tried to avoid driving anywhere. The maps I had showed no alternative to get back and forth along the narrow strip of the Grand Strand. But then one day a miracle happened. I discovered the Carolina Bays Parkway. Turns out the local maps I had were outdated.
This six lane controlled access gem of a freeway runs some 29 miles from North Myrtle Beach to south of Myrtle Beach. It opened in December of 2002, just a little over a year before I moved here, so it still has that new road look. Much of the route runs over marshland, so it has numerous elevated bridges, and there is only an occasional brief view of civilization. It was designed and built after we realized that we had an environment, The few interchanges, with their wide, graceful flyovers are really works of art, especially contrasted with the pristine marshland. The many elevated sections allow the water moccasins and alligators to pass back and forth just as they always have. But the scenic route I follow to run my errands is not the best part. The best part is that as soon as I get on the freeway, I set my cruise control to 72 mph, and typically don't touch it again until it is time for me to exit. But I have another reason to enjoy and appreciate the drive, and that is where the déjà vu comes in-- --I remember the Boulder-Denver Turnpike.
The turnpike was still pretty new when I moved to Boulder in 1964. My wife Judi and I drove her yellow Karmann Ghia. For graduation, her folks had given her a trip to Europe. She picked up her VW at the factory in Germany, and then she and a girlfriend drove it around Europe before shipping it back to the States. That still ranks as the coolest graduation present ever. So anyway, just a couple of miles out of Boulder on the turnpike [since demoted to number 36], there is a long hill. I dreaded it because although the 1600cc engine did its best, the Ghia would chug along slower and slower up the hill, so everybody whizzed past. But once we got over the hill and paid the 25 cent toll at Broomfield, it was clear sailing across the open countryside to Denver. The VW top speed was around 70mph, and one seldom had to slow down for traffic. There was a comradery among the Volkswagen drivers because we all knew that the other drivers had theirs floorboarded too. The tollbooths have long since been taken away and replaced, at least during rush hour, with what appears to be a thirty mile long parking lot. For years now when I needed to go to Denver I would stop at the Table Mesa Park-and-Ride and hop aboard the regional bus. Or else I would take the same back roads that were the reason the turnpike was built in the first place.
That knowledge makes me appreciate the Carolina Bays Parkway even more, because I know it won't last. Already there is talk of Interstate I-73 that will gobble up the joy ride and hasten its inexorable duplication of US17. So I am going to enjoy it while it's there.
Breaking News.......Huge Branding Iron Recall.
Biblical scholars shocked the theological world when they revealed that a newly discovered fragment of the oldest surviving copy of the New Testament clarifies that the Sign of The Beast is not 666 as previously thought, but actually 616. Antichrist Headquarters has not yet responded to the report.
Archive of Agonizing Analogies
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.(Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)
Cryptofied Ads
"His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55."
Gronerpuns
In a galaxy even farther away than that the lone planet Bzentiville circles around its very own sun. When the The First Four and a pimp created the universe, they ruled that the planet would be divided into 100 krefs. Each kerf was to be ruled by a Pzhar. The Pzhars all lived in elaborate castles made of silicious matter. Early in the planets history it had a single blue lake bordered by the purest white sand in the universe. Here and there on the beach a number of springs flowed out over the shoreline into the lake. Some of the springs produced one of several fixed alkalies, soda being the most common. Metallic oxides, such as litharge or similar lead iron substances percolated from some of the springs. During one of the planets cyclic Hot Ages much of the beach area melted. When the Hot Age had run its course, the beach solidified. Obsidian quarries soon developed and the former beach became a highly valued building material. Only the Pzhars were wealthy enough to build their entire castles out of the material, but even the poorest homes had at least a shoreline coffee table.
The The First Four and a pimp had set up the planet along the lines that in the present are called reality shows. The Pzhars competed against each other in one on one spelling bees. The winner would then kill the loser and take the losers throne back to her/his own house. When all the Pzhars but one were eliminated, the contest would end. The winner would be given a ribbon and a lifetime appointment as CEO of an intergalactic marijuana cartel. Early on it became clear that a Pzhar by the name of Edward the Silly would be the eventual winner. And so he was. Along the way, he had accumulated so many thrones that he had to add a second story to his home. After he had defeated the last Pzhar and added his throne to his collection, he sat down on his own throne and waited for the award ceremony to begin. Suddenly the weight of all the thrones was too much for the second floor and all the thrones came crashing down, killing Edward the Silly. Once again the universe has shown that people who live in glass houses should not stow thrones.
It is May, 2005. I shall now post the very scientific results of the dietary lifestyle changes I made at the beginning of this year. Please note that these results are published for documentation purposes only, and not to appeal to any prurient interest. Even so, good taste requires that I establish a separate link to the documentation, lest the casual visitor stumble on the report unawares. For purposes of parental guidance, the report should be considered PG13.
I am not sure when the US17 bypass got passed by in Myrtle Beach, but it was a long time before I got here. Now it is just a crowded navigational nightmare. In the summertime it is filled with tourists who drive hesitantly because they aren't sure where they need to turn and locals who are impatiently weaving through the tourists, changing lanes frequently without notice. For several months after I moved to Myrtle Beach I tried to avoid driving anywhere. The maps I had showed no alternative to get back and forth along the narrow strip of the Grand Strand. But then one day a miracle happened. I discovered the Carolina Bays Parkway. Turns out the local maps I had were outdated.
This six lane controlled access gem of a freeway runs some 29 miles from North Myrtle Beach to south of Myrtle Beach. It opened in December of 2002, just a little over a year before I moved here, so it still has that new road look. Much of the route runs over marshland, so it has numerous elevated bridges, and there is only an occasional brief view of civilization. It was designed and built after we realized that we had an environment, The few interchanges, with their wide, graceful flyovers are really works of art, especially contrasted with the pristine marshland. The many elevated sections allow the water moccasins and alligators to pass back and forth just as they always have. But the scenic route I follow to run my errands is not the best part. The best part is that as soon as I get on the freeway, I set my cruise control to 72 mph, and typically don't touch it again until it is time for me to exit. But I have another reason to enjoy and appreciate the drive, and that is where the déjà vu comes in-- --I remember the Boulder-Denver Turnpike.
The turnpike was still pretty new when I moved to Boulder in 1964. My wife Judi and I drove her yellow Karmann Ghia. For graduation, her folks had given her a trip to Europe. She picked up her VW at the factory in Germany, and then she and a girlfriend drove it around Europe before shipping it back to the States. That still ranks as the coolest graduation present ever. So anyway, just a couple of miles out of Boulder on the turnpike [since demoted to number 36], there is a long hill. I dreaded it because although the 1600cc engine did its best, the Ghia would chug along slower and slower up the hill, so everybody whizzed past. But once we got over the hill and paid the 25 cent toll at Broomfield, it was clear sailing across the open countryside to Denver. The VW top speed was around 70mph, and one seldom had to slow down for traffic. There was a comradery among the Volkswagen drivers because we all knew that the other drivers had theirs floorboarded too. The tollbooths have long since been taken away and replaced, at least during rush hour, with what appears to be a thirty mile long parking lot. For years now when I needed to go to Denver I would stop at the Table Mesa Park-and-Ride and hop aboard the regional bus. Or else I would take the same back roads that were the reason the turnpike was built in the first place.
That knowledge makes me appreciate the Carolina Bays Parkway even more, because I know it won't last. Already there is talk of Interstate I-73 that will gobble up the joy ride and hasten its inexorable duplication of US17. So I am going to enjoy it while it's there.
Breaking News.......Huge Branding Iron Recall.
Biblical scholars shocked the theological world when they revealed that a newly discovered fragment of the oldest surviving copy of the New Testament clarifies that the Sign of The Beast is not 666 as previously thought, but actually 616. Antichrist Headquarters has not yet responded to the report.
Archive of Agonizing Analogies
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.(Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)
Cryptofied Ads
"His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55."
Gronerpuns
In a galaxy even farther away than that the lone planet Bzentiville circles around its very own sun. When the The First Four and a pimp created the universe, they ruled that the planet would be divided into 100 krefs. Each kerf was to be ruled by a Pzhar. The Pzhars all lived in elaborate castles made of silicious matter. Early in the planets history it had a single blue lake bordered by the purest white sand in the universe. Here and there on the beach a number of springs flowed out over the shoreline into the lake. Some of the springs produced one of several fixed alkalies, soda being the most common. Metallic oxides, such as litharge or similar lead iron substances percolated from some of the springs. During one of the planets cyclic Hot Ages much of the beach area melted. When the Hot Age had run its course, the beach solidified. Obsidian quarries soon developed and the former beach became a highly valued building material. Only the Pzhars were wealthy enough to build their entire castles out of the material, but even the poorest homes had at least a shoreline coffee table.
The The First Four and a pimp had set up the planet along the lines that in the present are called reality shows. The Pzhars competed against each other in one on one spelling bees. The winner would then kill the loser and take the losers throne back to her/his own house. When all the Pzhars but one were eliminated, the contest would end. The winner would be given a ribbon and a lifetime appointment as CEO of an intergalactic marijuana cartel. Early on it became clear that a Pzhar by the name of Edward the Silly would be the eventual winner. And so he was. Along the way, he had accumulated so many thrones that he had to add a second story to his home. After he had defeated the last Pzhar and added his throne to his collection, he sat down on his own throne and waited for the award ceremony to begin. Suddenly the weight of all the thrones was too much for the second floor and all the thrones came crashing down, killing Edward the Silly. Once again the universe has shown that people who live in glass houses should not stow thrones.
It is May, 2005. I shall now post the very scientific results of the dietary lifestyle changes I made at the beginning of this year. Please note that these results are published for documentation purposes only, and not to appeal to any prurient interest. Even so, good taste requires that I establish a separate link to the documentation, lest the casual visitor stumble on the report unawares. For purposes of parental guidance, the report should be considered PG13.
As a teetotaler, I protest publication of recipes which contain beer, wine or any alcoholic beverage. Of course the alcohol burns off if the product is cooked, but I think it sets a bad example for our young people. Twelve ounces of beer contains 4 1/2 percent alcohol; a 2 1/2 ounce glass if wine 20 per cent and one ounce of whisky is half alcohol. The person hit be a drinking driver will be just as dead.
Mrs. Gertrude Falch, Denver
Mrs. Gertrude Falch, Denver
Caption Contest
Readers are invited to compose captions for these 1974 letters to the editor of the Daily Camera. After submitting your entry, please examine the other entries, and if you judge yours to be the best, get yourself a nice prize.
Readers are invited to compose captions for these 1974 letters to the editor of the Daily Camera. After submitting your entry, please examine the other entries, and if you judge yours to be the best, get yourself a nice prize.
Caption One
Caption Two.
Another Absinthe Recipe
Twenty pounds long absinthe
Twenty four pounds small absinthe
Thirty-three pounds green anise seed
Thirty-three pounds fennel
Thirty-three pounds star anise
Four pounds coriander seeds
Ten pieces hyssop
Mix in 125 gallons of fine 190 proof spirits
Let stand twenty days stirring once a day for 10 minutes
Pour in cordial still, add 15 gallons water (Perrier is best): distill
Beware of the feints
Add color before bottling
Use
Five pounds mint leaves
2 ½ pounds melissa leaves
3 ½ pounds hyssop
Five pounds small absinthe
Five pounds chopped liquorice root
1 ½ pounds citron peel
Send one bottle via overnight express to MondoBoulder for certification. Important. Send only the bottle of absinthe, send no money.
Twenty pounds long absinthe
Twenty four pounds small absinthe
Thirty-three pounds green anise seed
Thirty-three pounds fennel
Thirty-three pounds star anise
Four pounds coriander seeds
Ten pieces hyssop
Mix in 125 gallons of fine 190 proof spirits
Let stand twenty days stirring once a day for 10 minutes
Pour in cordial still, add 15 gallons water (Perrier is best): distill
Beware of the feints
Add color before bottling
Use
Five pounds mint leaves
2 ½ pounds melissa leaves
3 ½ pounds hyssop
Five pounds small absinthe
Five pounds chopped liquorice root
1 ½ pounds citron peel
Send one bottle via overnight express to MondoBoulder for certification. Important. Send only the bottle of absinthe, send no money.
One of the pseudo serious ways I once claimed were my plans after retirement was to become active in The Eradication Of Anthropomorphism Society. Problem was I could never determine how or where one applied for membership. Probably just as well as it turned out I seem to have a mild case of the affliction. When I put my old 1969 Landcruiser on the e-bay auction block, I actually felt a bit guilty--- as if I were betraying an old friend. Worse yet the fellow who won the bidding lives in New Hampshire and it was almost a month before he picked up my cruiser, so I had to walk past it every day on my way to my new Toyota. I tried to convince myself my old friend did not look sad and forsaken, but just couldn't pull it off. Finally it is on it's way, and I wish it well. Perhaps it will be restored and valued at ten or twenty times its original value. And even if not it will maintain the same dedication to trusted service by which it served me for 36 years. It will become an organ donor.
Archive of Agonizing AnalogiesShe caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.(Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.(Unknown)
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Cryptofied Ads
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Uh, wanna rephrase that?
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.--- Mariah Carey
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.--- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.--- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.--- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.--- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
Groanerpuns
Lawyer feller down on Kiawah Island kept a pair of alligators in his back yard pond for many years. The male grew to over 15 feet and the female was almost as large. Agents from the South Carolina Department of Natural Resources warned him that they were dangerous, but since he was a big shot lawyer they let him get away with keeping them if he promised to call them if either of the gators ever became aggressive because they would have to destroy it. Years went by without any trouble so the lawyer began thinking of them as pets. He was originally from Czechoslovakia and occasionally he would pay for a trip to the US for some of his Czechoslovakian relatives. One summer a favorite cousin came to visit. They were sitting around on the back porch getting drunk one evening when they decided to go play with the alligators. They kept messing around on a log bridge teasing the gators when all at once the cousin slipped and fell in the water. The male alligator clamped down on his leg and did a death roll, then he began biting off huge chunks of the cousin and eating him. The panic stricken lawyer ran back to his house and called the state agents for help. They happened to be cruising in the neighborhood so they arrived in just a couple of minutes. As they ran toward the pond with shotguns at the ready the lawyer called out that it was the male that attacked. No use getting both of them shot. The agents ran up to the pond and instantly one of them the shot the female alligator. " No wait! " the second agent shouted, " he said the other one did it". The first agent replied "are you going to believe a lawyer when he says the Czech is in the male?"
I'm having fun pecking away on Part Two of Through the Cockpit Doors. The first chapter of the second part is called "Words". It will be along soon. Meanwhile, take care. Think about stuff.
Archive of Agonizing AnalogiesShe caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.(Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.(Unknown)
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Cryptofied Ads
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Uh, wanna rephrase that?
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.--- Mariah Carey
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.--- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.--- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.--- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.--- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
Groanerpuns
Lawyer feller down on Kiawah Island kept a pair of alligators in his back yard pond for many years. The male grew to over 15 feet and the female was almost as large. Agents from the South Carolina Department of Natural Resources warned him that they were dangerous, but since he was a big shot lawyer they let him get away with keeping them if he promised to call them if either of the gators ever became aggressive because they would have to destroy it. Years went by without any trouble so the lawyer began thinking of them as pets. He was originally from Czechoslovakia and occasionally he would pay for a trip to the US for some of his Czechoslovakian relatives. One summer a favorite cousin came to visit. They were sitting around on the back porch getting drunk one evening when they decided to go play with the alligators. They kept messing around on a log bridge teasing the gators when all at once the cousin slipped and fell in the water. The male alligator clamped down on his leg and did a death roll, then he began biting off huge chunks of the cousin and eating him. The panic stricken lawyer ran back to his house and called the state agents for help. They happened to be cruising in the neighborhood so they arrived in just a couple of minutes. As they ran toward the pond with shotguns at the ready the lawyer called out that it was the male that attacked. No use getting both of them shot. The agents ran up to the pond and instantly one of them the shot the female alligator. " No wait! " the second agent shouted, " he said the other one did it". The first agent replied "are you going to believe a lawyer when he says the Czech is in the male?"
I'm having fun pecking away on Part Two of Through the Cockpit Doors. The first chapter of the second part is called "Words". It will be along soon. Meanwhile, take care. Think about stuff.
My cabin has been broken into twice this season, plus three others in the same area: These long-haired, whiskered back-packing vandals who don't work, and have nothing better to do but roam the mountains,
breaking into cabins stealing and destroying property.
What they deserve is a load of buck shot right in the rear end: Fifteen percent of the back-packers are people who destroy property which spoils it for the other 80 per cent who go to enjoy it!
Allen Bolton, 1223 6th. St
breaking into cabins stealing and destroying property.
What they deserve is a load of buck shot right in the rear end: Fifteen percent of the back-packers are people who destroy property which spoils it for the other 80 per cent who go to enjoy it!
Allen Bolton, 1223 6th. St
A classic car was spotted on a San Francisco Freeway bearing the license number
ML8ML8
What was the Make, Model and Color of the car?
ML8ML8
What was the Make, Model and Color of the car?
March 2005
Ego Trip
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